I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
