i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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