Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
