I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
