Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
