new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
