I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?