Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime