I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
