Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
