I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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