I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
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