After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
