Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
