I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
