Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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