Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
