The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
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you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I stole a fireplace last night.
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and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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