he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
