That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
