Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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