Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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