i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
how drunk are you?
Several
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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