If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
my poor anus
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
