I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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