I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
