peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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