First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
