im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I love you. Go after that dick