At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
