I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.