The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from