Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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