Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"