she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
