just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
