I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
