peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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