the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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