Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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