Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
