I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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