i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
