Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
