good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
