sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
