She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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