enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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