I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
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