oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
