what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
