Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
