My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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