No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
