I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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