My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
