True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
