Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
