I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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