So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
