I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
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