I just threw up on my dentist
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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