its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
